My Husband

He’s my husband. This man once my boyfriend as teenagers is my husband since 11/5/2016. I am a wife. People get married for many reasons. I needed to get married to break the chains that once held me back. Maybe that doesn’t make sense for some people- to many people. But it makes sense to me. Marriage makes all the difference but marrying who I married made the transformation occur. He awakens my soul, his love makes me want to reach for more, plants a fire in my soul, and brings peace to my mind. I have never had a love like this before.

Out of mind, out of site.

You would think this was an understatement but it’s far from it. I don’t even know how to explain the emotions within myself for the past couple of days. I’m excited, I’m shocked, I’m in love again, I’m all over the place. Okay maybe not in love but I miss him more than I ever missed him before. And I do love him now as I did before, if not more. I want to speak to him more now than ever. At least before my thoughts were of him working, going to school, married, taking great care of his wife and children…. they were never fixed on him being locked up. I think that’s what has me so bad, the fact that this, this is absolutely unimaginable to me. Not only just to me but my mother- My brother said “well, he was one crazy mother f’er” lol and me “but really?” I can’t fix my brain to think this is true, yet I done wrote this man letters and postcards. None of them have been sent by the way. I don’t even know what to do. I don’t even know if he remembers me. And that, that my friend would break my heart, why though? If I’m not mistaken, we split because of me. My goodness. Would that have happened had I stayed around? I just want to talk to him. All that love talk is in the winds, I am with someone, I have a family with him, but God only knows how long I’ve been looking for this man without even a clue as to where he could be other than his address on Park Avenue New York New York 10029. It’s amazing because I can’t function I seriously cannot function… This is driving me nuts right now that he, of all people, ended up incarcerated- like it’s blowing my freaking brain away. What do you say to this?? I mean before when I thought about him, I thought about him being outside, you know having a girlfriend, kids, school, work, whatever!! I can’t even say that I even thought of him being a bad influence to the world or not helping someone learn their way in life. I mean he did the same thing for my brother, when my brother was going to the left, he made sure he helped him get right, you know, when I was going crazy and rebelling against my mother it was him telling me “you know it’s better if you go home.” What’s crazy is that it only happened four to five years after we split up. And like I said this is going on for years and years and years, my search for this man. And it’s cool or at least it was cool until I found that out that he’s actually not free and living the school, wife, and children life but he’s incarcerated and the whole children and wife thing may still be possible but it’s still completely and utterly different from the life I have ever thought that you would be living right now at this current moment. I want to talk to you so bad, I want to hug you so bad, I just want to hug you! Like I don’t know what you’ve been through, I don’t know how you got into where you’ve gotten but this far exceeds my imagination, like I never ever ever ever in a million trillion years did I ever have imagine you in this position and I keep saying that and I apologize but words can ever ever express the feeling I have inside right now and since finding out. I don’t know, it’s like, I don’t know!!! It hurts, it hurts to know that all this time you haven’t been out there living that life, it hurts to know that you’ve been locked up, according to your charge, maybe they had reason, but me, Crystal Lee Perez, I can’t fathom this. My mother asked if I was trying to rekindle things with with you, then my brother asked the same thing… they’re both funny. I’m not trying to rekindle anything, I sincerely just wanna know how you are doing? How you been? What’s new? What’s different? What’s your favorite color? Do you believe in God. Do you believe in Jesus Christ? If you received my random letters or post cards prior to this, I’ve asked you some or a lot of these questions already. Sorry. Truth is I wasn’t going to mail you anything. Usually when I have to let something off my chest, I write it down, and I’m okay. There’s no more words to be said or left to communicate but you. It didn’t work like that. I had to reach out to you. I miss you so much. Why are you in there? Please tell me why are you in there. I pray your sleep is sweet and your days are value filled. That your heart hasn’t lost touch with your soul. I love you, CP. Written on 3/24/2016

4:34am – 4/4/2016

I wonder if he’s going to give me a call today. I hope he does. Can’t get him off my mind nor heart, not even for a second. Although I am not saying that I have a problem with him being there… it just amazes me. I can’t help but to wonder what God has in store for this, for us. Everything happens for a reason and he hasn’t brought this, us back for no reason. I won’t push the thought.  God got this, I’ll just indulge in the moment. I pray he is having sweet dreams. That his smiles are brighter and his heart fuller. God I’ve missed him. Please let him know he’s loved and missed by someone like me. Xoxo Luis Andres. From this side to your side of New York City, I’m missing you, wishing you were next to me. Xoxo

 

Te quiero,

Te amo,

CLP